enjoy the laugh…via popjolly.com

This video really reminds me of Dave Ramsey. I really believe in the work Dave does so I’m not poking …well too much fun at him. But seriously, how bad is the financial state of America when SNL can make fun of good financial advice. This may not be totally related to real estate, but try buying a house with a really screwed up financial situation. …People that can’t get this baffle me.

I really dig this remake of this sone…amazing… and over 7 MILLION hits! Wow.

btw…I agree about video meetings… or just meeting in general. Very unproductive.

Rob Paravonian, comedian, musician, writer of things.

This is quite funny. Enjoy.

www.robprocks.com

I know..hard to believe that this was not the original Tag line to “Every Woman’s Desire.”

1. I was out drinking in a bar last night and a woodworm asked me: “Is the bar tender here? (I was told that this joke wasn’t funny enough…sorry…accept this replacement joke as an apology)
A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey where’d you get the pig?”
The women says “This isn’t a pig it’s a duck”
and the bartender says “No, I was talking to the duck!”

2. A man walks into a bar and asks, ‘Do you serve women in this bar?’
‘No,’ replies the barman, ‘you have to bring your own.’

3. A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”
Then a second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it’s head, he sits down, and the bartender says, “I don’t mind the long face, but don’t you go and try to start anything!”

4. So this guy walks into a bar and notices there’s a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. the guy says ” hey bartender, I’ll bet you a $100 bucks I can jump up and grab some meat from that ceiling”. The bartender says, “I don’t know man, them steaks are pretty high”.

5. A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says “wow I’ve never seen anyone drink that fast before” and the guy says “You would to if you had what I had” and the bartender says “What is it you have?” And the guy says “25 cents” and runs out of the bar.

6. Two penguins walk into a bar…a third penguin says “You’d have thought the second one would have seen it.”

7.There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says “Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?”

The Barman replies “Yeah sure, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear holds up his paws and says “I’m a bear!!”

8. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

9. A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartender says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

10. The Grand Finale…the best of both worlds…A bar joke with a pirate!

So, this pirate walks into a bar with a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of his pants and the bartender says, ‘why have you got a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of your pants?’ And the pirate says, ‘arrgh! It’s driving me nuts!

Credits:

steaks found via letsgettight.com

drinking duck found on leaveitatthebeep.com

Grand Finale from the great Ben Folds. CD joke photo, found on digitalsuburbia

The rest I’m sure are on the net but I’ve heard them so many times it’s hard to attribute a source.

Cheers and Be Awesome.

Cheers

The following is courtesy of an email that a friend sent me that (literally) had me laughing so hard I had to stop reading (thrice). Enjoy. (Please note this is not an invitation to send me fwds, if you think it is then may you be slapped in the face with a carp and may God have mercy on your soul. Thank you.)

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste a way. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Conversely (and for the sake of completion)…

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air