1. I was out drinking in a bar last night and a woodworm asked me: “Is the bar tender here? (I was told that this joke wasn’t funny enough…sorry…accept this replacement joke as an apology)
A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey where’d you get the pig?”
The women says “This isn’t a pig it’s a duck”
and the bartender says “No, I was talking to the duck!”

2. A man walks into a bar and asks, ‘Do you serve women in this bar?’
‘No,’ replies the barman, ‘you have to bring your own.’

3. A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”
Then a second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it’s head, he sits down, and the bartender says, “I don’t mind the long face, but don’t you go and try to start anything!”

4. So this guy walks into a bar and notices there’s a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. the guy says ” hey bartender, I’ll bet you a $100 bucks I can jump up and grab some meat from that ceiling”. The bartender says, “I don’t know man, them steaks are pretty high”.

5. A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says “wow I’ve never seen anyone drink that fast before” and the guy says “You would to if you had what I had” and the bartender says “What is it you have?” And the guy says “25 cents” and runs out of the bar.

6. Two penguins walk into a bar…a third penguin says “You’d have thought the second one would have seen it.”

7.There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says “Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?”

The Barman replies “Yeah sure, but what’s with the big pause?”

The bear holds up his paws and says “I’m a bear!!”

8. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

9. A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartender says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

10. The Grand Finale…the best of both worlds…A bar joke with a pirate!

So, this pirate walks into a bar with a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of his pants and the bartender says, ‘why have you got a captain’s wheel crammed down the front of your pants?’ And the pirate says, ‘arrgh! It’s driving me nuts!

Credits:

steaks found via letsgettight.com

drinking duck found on leaveitatthebeep.com

Grand Finale from the great Ben Folds. CD joke photo, found on digitalsuburbia

The rest I’m sure are on the net but I’ve heard them so many times it’s hard to attribute a source.

Cheers and Be Awesome.